A study published yesterday has concluded that cannabis is not the miracle cure people had always believed it to be. The study by PHD student Franklin Geeze of the University of North East Somerset used a wide ranging sample of 10 stoners and a control group of 10 000 other people who don't really like cannabis.
Mr Geeze said "to be honest mush, I think weed rocks and this local council funded PHD is just the green light I needed to prove beyond all doubt that cannabis is all we need in life man"
However, Geeze went on to say "But in my sample of 10 stoners, 2 people's lumbago persisted, 3 people reported that despite large cannabis doses, they were yet to reach enlightenment and the other 5 said they still continue to catch the common cold several times a year."
Geeze went on.. "As a stoner first and a scientist second, I had to reluctantly concede that cannabis wasn't the one for all magic pill that Bob Marley had previously led me to believe"
AS THE SHOCK NEWS OF THE STUDY RUSHED AROUND THE COUNTY, THE SOMERSET GAZETTE APPROACHED MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC FOR COMMENT.
Local Somerset MP, Mr Reese Moggs said he was shocked and saddened at the news and said: "All plant matter here on earth is sacrosanct and has magical healing powers and even if that isn't entirely accurate, one is certainly very keen to say that to the proles, I mean dear voting electorate" before drawing some snuff.
Rupert Smugly a staunch anti cannabis campaigner spoke to us from his garden pegola. Speaking with posh tones like Hyacinth Bucket but much more convincing and maybe even genuine he said "this damned cannabis stuff is a public health crisis and responsible for millions of deaths each year globally". Intrigued we asked for some evidence to corroborate this but Smugly stopped speaking to us and withdrew into his Conservatory and pulled down the blinds.
People up the school had some different ideas, veteran dinner lady Margot Wiffle said "I don't bloomin care ooo this Frankie Geeze thinks he is, my grown up lads swear by weed to heal ANYTHING and my Nicks actually made a lot of money outta trading weed on the stock market"
When the Somerset Gazette pointed out to Ms Wiffle that you can't trade weed on the stock market, Ms Wiffle replied: "don't talk ball"
THE JURY REMAINS OUT.
Mr Geeze said "to be honest mush, I think weed rocks and this local council funded PHD is just the green light I needed to prove beyond all doubt that cannabis is all we need in life man"
However, Geeze went on to say "But in my sample of 10 stoners, 2 people's lumbago persisted, 3 people reported that despite large cannabis doses, they were yet to reach enlightenment and the other 5 said they still continue to catch the common cold several times a year."
Geeze went on.. "As a stoner first and a scientist second, I had to reluctantly concede that cannabis wasn't the one for all magic pill that Bob Marley had previously led me to believe"
AS THE SHOCK NEWS OF THE STUDY RUSHED AROUND THE COUNTY, THE SOMERSET GAZETTE APPROACHED MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC FOR COMMENT.
Local Somerset MP, Mr Reese Moggs said he was shocked and saddened at the news and said: "All plant matter here on earth is sacrosanct and has magical healing powers and even if that isn't entirely accurate, one is certainly very keen to say that to the proles, I mean dear voting electorate" before drawing some snuff.
Rupert Smugly a staunch anti cannabis campaigner spoke to us from his garden pegola. Speaking with posh tones like Hyacinth Bucket but much more convincing and maybe even genuine he said "this damned cannabis stuff is a public health crisis and responsible for millions of deaths each year globally". Intrigued we asked for some evidence to corroborate this but Smugly stopped speaking to us and withdrew into his Conservatory and pulled down the blinds.
People up the school had some different ideas, veteran dinner lady Margot Wiffle said "I don't bloomin care ooo this Frankie Geeze thinks he is, my grown up lads swear by weed to heal ANYTHING and my Nicks actually made a lot of money outta trading weed on the stock market"
When the Somerset Gazette pointed out to Ms Wiffle that you can't trade weed on the stock market, Ms Wiffle replied: "don't talk ball"
THE JURY REMAINS OUT.
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